This first
post has been pretty hard to begin. I am a producer and I’ve been thinking a
lot about the role a producer has and some of the capacities it requires; clarity,
communication, reliability, consistency and leadership.
At times
all of these capacities have eluded me and at times it makes me feel like a fraud. Due to the nature of my condition I can
find myself ‘brain-fogged’. In the wrong circumstances I experience anxiety
spikes which can warp my sense of self awareness and in turn affect my
responses within a collaborative relationship. These spikes can also do a real
number on my self-esteem. If I take on too much work (which is easy to do in
the arts!) or don’t pace myself properly, I inevitably crash with fatigue and
exhaustion and find myself in bed for long periods, or in chronic, widespread
and persistent pain that I can’t tackle with medication or sleep.
By writing
publicly about how my condition affects me professionally and in relation to
making great art happen, I wonder how it will reflect on my capacity as a
producer? I have, until relatively recently, chosen to, or more truthfully, happened to ‘pass’ as a non-disabled
person, allowing me to exist in the world with few assumptions made about my
abilities (not including those assumptions made on the basis of my gender or
age) however this wasn’t necessarily the right choice for me either.
Since making the choice (over a period of time, which I will go into in a later post) to own my disabled identity and to communicate about how it affects me, there’s been a constant negotiation between my own adjustments to my working life and the adjustments made for me by individuals and organisations that I work with. And a constant questioning of where my responsibility ends and another’s begins…
Since making the choice (over a period of time, which I will go into in a later post) to own my disabled identity and to communicate about how it affects me, there’s been a constant negotiation between my own adjustments to my working life and the adjustments made for me by individuals and organisations that I work with. And a constant questioning of where my responsibility ends and another’s begins…
The key seems to be communication. This can also be wearing, and often disabled people can be viewed as awkward bastards, with our constant demands and accommodation needs and 'special assistance'... though even as I write this, I realise no-one has ever said to me that I am awkward... it's a completely implicit, internalised notion that just sits in the fabric of our society.
Now I have worked for long enough that I know what my strengths are. After much umming and awing about this post, I decided to write it. My condition changes how I work and limits the hours I can do, but it does not make less of a producer or diminish my skill. There are mechanisms that can be employed to mitigate the risk of holding a project up because I need to take to my bed (thank you Bitrix24, Evernote and Wunderlist) and I would say that my capacity for empathy, sensitivity and creativity are enhanced by my perspective on the world and my experiences. Producing is such a broad practice that I don't need to do it all brilliantly all the time... no-one does. I just have to focus on the bits I'm good at and communicate and collaborate around the bits I'm not.